


I can see the scars in your soul

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boys In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Parabatai, Shadowhunter Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:53:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21571765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: After Valentine’s death, Jace is going into the Calve’s foster care system. By the age of 16, he is an abused, broken boy – but also the greatest fighter and warrior the Clave has ever seen. This is why the Clave signs him up for the Shadowhunter Academy – where he meets Izzy and Alec Lightwood…
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	1. Scarred Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace's childhood

Pain.

If anyone ever had asked him what his earlier childhood was about, his response would have been pain. He didn’t remember everything from his childhood, some things were blurred by time. But what he did remember was the pain. The physical pain was not the worst, never had been. He learned soon how to handle that. When his father punished him, hit him, whipped him or broke his bones, he tried not to cry. Not to shy away but to own the pain. Because if he didn’t, if he let the pain surface too much, more pain would follow. So he learned to endure it, to hold still while his father beat him. No, that wasn’t the worst part of his childhood. It was the mental pain which was worse. His father’s words, spoken in anger, that Jace was worth nothing, would never be enough, weighted more. The fear that, when his father had been gone for days and left him in that cabin in the woods alone, he would not return and leave him for good. The pain he had felt, deep down in his heart and soul, when something he loved had been taken away from him as a punishment. His falcon, which Valentine killed just because Jace had loved it. This kind of pain was far worse than every corporal punishment.

When he witnessed his father’s death at the age of ten he didn’t know what to feel. One the on hand, he felt utterly terrified. Besides his father he had never met many people, and the ones he had met had never taken any interest in him. Where was he supposed to go? He knew about the Clave, the governmental body which should protect and lead their people. But his father only ever had laughed about them. He had told Jace what a failure they were and that they were not to be trusted. And Jace believed him, why shouldn’t he? So he was scared what would happen to him now. But he made himself a promise to not let anybody know. He would not make a fool of himself.  
On the other hand, a small part of himself felt relieved. He loved his father, he sure did. But if he was completely honest with himself, he knew, despite his young age, that his father was not a good father to him. That he was not supposed to suffer so much punishment and pain. So a small part of him hoped for a better future, for a better place for him. At least, it could not get worse, could it?

Unfortunately he was wrong. When the Clave representatives came to pick him up, he felt odd looks on him. They looked taken aback and apprehensive of him. When they arrived at a house, they told him to go to the bathroom and undress. He still remembered the look on the face of the men, when he did what he was told. Jace didn’t feel comfortable, not at all. But he knew what was following when he disobeyed orders, so he figured it was just easier to follow through. When he stood there, just in his underwear, the image of his dead father still fresh on his mind, he felt more alone than ever before in his life. He could still feel the burning gaze on his body when they examined him. He felt vulnerable. He wanted to go home. He wanted to be everywhere but here. Of course, as always, no one asked him what he wanted. After this examination he was told that he could go rest. He was sent to a rather tiny room with two bunk beds, three beds already occupied. He put his things on the last one and honestly, he just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. However, the other kids had something completely different in mind. When they entered the room, the only thing they saw was a frightened young boy, a potential new bully victim. What they didn’t see were the runes already covering his body and the battle scars he already had, as his father had taken him on demon hunts when he turned six. What was considered way too early, even for Shadowhunter standards. And what was also the reason for the odd behavior of the other adults. Normally you got your first rune at the age of twelve, ten earliest. The risk of runing a younger child was just too high, the process too painful. Of course this had not stopped Valentine runing his son at the age of five. Even years later he could still remember the excruciating pain when his father had put his stele down and marked him with the angelic rune, quickly followed by the strength rune and others. When he was ten, he had already the most important battle runes imprinted on his body. But, this was not common and so the three older kids were in no way prepared. They just wanted to make a bit fun of the new kid, show him who ruled the place. No, they were not prepared when Jace fought back. He fought back with all his strength, putting all the fear, grieve and humiliation he had experienced that day in his punches and kicks. So the kids learned the hard way not to mess with Jace. Unfortunately, this also caught the attention of a man, Victor Aldertree. A man, who was in a lot of ways very similar to Jace’s father. He immediately saw the potential of the young boy, too skilled and strong for his age. A boy who Aldertree could form into a weapon, very much what Valentine had in mind, only a weapon fighting another cause. So he took Jace in as his foster father.

And again, pain was a constant companion for Jace. The difference was, that he had always felt that his father had loved him. Not in a healthy, normal way, but still. With regards to Aldertree, Jace didn’t have these illusions. He knew that Aldertree only thought of him as an experiment. Aldertree wanted to form Jace into a perfect soldier, a perfect member of the Clave. He forced his views and rules on Jace with brutality, punishing every disobedience or failure. But Jace being Jace, he learned to adapt. He knew what was expected of him, what to say and what to do. What he did not expect was the interest other people took in him after he hit puberty. Soon he learned to interpret the looks correctly and to take advantage of it. Despite the ordeal he had to go through he liked his body. His soul – not so much, he knew that the only worth he got was his body. His fighting skills, his looks. These were the reasons people admired him, liked him. No one was ever interested in him as a person.

When he grew older, other members of the clave had started to take an interest in him, they saw the great potential in him as a warrior. So they suggested that he had to go to the newly re-opened Shadowhunter Academy in Idris – a suggestion Aldertree could not turn down, even if he was really reluctant to let his favorite toy go.

Jace was not thrilled to go. He had learned early on that change was not always for the better. But he also knew better than to fight this decision, so when he turned 16 and Aldertree announced that it was now time for him to join the Academy, he just packed the few things he owned and waited for the rest to come. He thought he was prepared when the third chapter of his life began. But no one had prepared him for Alec Lightwood.


	2. Caged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's childhood

Growing up in the New York Institute was a lonely matter. From time to time they had visitors of other institutes, but most of the time it was only the Lightwoods – and their tutor Hodge. Maryse and Robert were often away, taking care of Clave business, leaving Izzy and Alex in the care of Hodge. Not that Alec minded that fact a lot. He could live without the constant critic and looks of disapproval and disappointment he always got from his parents.

Alec knew what was expected of him, even when he was really young he knew the expectations. He had to become the next Head of the Institute, protect his siblings and, most important, bring honor to the Lightwood name. He was too young to understand what honor really meant but he was old enough to understand that this was his most important task. And he really tried to live up to these expectations, he really tried hard. He studied, he trained and he looked out for Izzy. His beautiful, stubborn and fierce sister. Protecting her came natural to him. One of his first memories was of his baby sister. His parents had put her in his arms, after her birth, when he was a toddler of three. “This is your sister”, they had told him, he even could remember the tone of their voice. “Being the older brother she is yours to protect”. He remembered being proud and full of love. Of course he would protect her! He was her older brother! It was only later he realized what his parents had done – laying the protection of a baby into the hands of a toddler. His parents should have protected Izzy – and himself. Not that he minded protecting Izzy, but sometimes it would have been nice to be able to rely on someone else, to have someone to look out for him.

While growing up, Alec realized that their parents expected more of him, more than he was able to give. They never punished him physically, but the disappointment got to him. So he tried harder – and failed again. It didn’t matter what he did, it just seemed that he was never good enough. They disapproved of his weapon choice – bow and quiver – but how else was he supposed to protect Izzy? When Izzy got into trouble it was somehow always his fault. And he could carry on with that list.

When Alec turned twelve, he overheard a conversation of his parents, weather or not to take in an orphaned ten-year-old boy. Apparently Alec’s father had had a Parabatai, who had a son nearly the same age than Alec. He was really confused as he had never heard of this Parabatai, and Parabatai were supposed to be really close, even closer than real siblings. Alec knew that he was not supposed to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help himself. He was too curious to know. So he heard everything his father had to say about his former Parabatai. That he had disgraced himself by falling in love with Robert. While it was not forbidden to fall in love with your Parabatai, falling in love with the same sex was a huge taboo. Something Robert despised so much he broke with his former best friend and as a consequence their bond weakened beyond repair. While Maryse was prepared to take in the son, Robert was strictly against it. What if the son had inherited this “disease” and wanted to seduce Robert’s child? Maryse gave in, knowing that if she gave in now she could win another battle against her husband – a battle more important to her than the fate of an unknown child.

Alec stood frozen. He only realized that he was crying when the tears dropped on his bare chest. He turned around and ran, filled with rage for his unloving parents but also with shame. Shame, because he knew what his father was talking about. He knew about the feelings Robert’s Parabatai must have had. Whenever Alec saw a handsome boy or man, he couldn’t help but stare. His body was changing, he was soon going to be a teenager. And he knew that he was supposed to develop feelings or crushes on girls. But it never happened. Sure, he could tell if a girl was beautiful or not – but it never effected him. Not in the way beautiful boys did. And now he knew for sure how his parents thought of it. At the age of 12 Alec decided to bury this part of himself, to let never anybody know about it. So while Izzy made her first experiences with boys when she grew older, Alec forced himself to pretend to be not interested. He was not the most social person anyway, so being forced to hide an important part of himself made him rather grumpy and even less social. Sometimes, when he met Izzy’s sad look, he suspected that she knew. But thankfully she never pushed the issue.

When Max was born, Alec was 13 and Izzy 10, everything seemed to change for the better. His parents became softer, even lifting some of the pressure they put on Alex and Izzy. Alec enjoyed being around his younger brother and taking care of him. He really looked forward to train him when he was older, to teach him how to fight with blades, how to hold a bow. He could totally picture the three of them going for a hunt, Izzy and him looking out for Max. He was also determined to protect Max from his parents, from their exaggerated expectations. He knew that, like himself, Izzy suffered a lot under the pressure of their parents, especially under Maryse. It seemed that she could not see the wonderful daughter and girl, but only her flaws. Alec would never understand that, if someone was easy to love it was Izzy. Yes, she was reckless sometimes and didn’t obey to the rules so easily, but her heart was at the right place. He made a secret vow to himself to protect his baby brother also from his own parents.

But he failed. Again. It was a few weeks after Max’s fourth birthday. Izzy and him went out on a mission, a supposed minor thing actually but something which needed to be handled. The minor thing turned out to be a nest of 2 full grown ravener demons with their four offspring. Nothing Izzy and him could not handle but it took them a while. When they returned to the institute, nobody was there. They found a note from their parents that they had to attend unexpected Clave business together with Hodge and therefore left Max in their, Alec’s and Izzy’s, care. Alec froze. How long ago had they left? How could they leave his baby brother on his own? And where was Max? They frantically searched the whole Institute, but he was gone. Alec panicked, every possible horror scenario crossing his mind. Thanks to Izzy, who managed to keep a clear head, they used a tracking spell which lead them to Max. Unlike Alec’s worst fears, he hadn’t been kidnapped by vampires or worse, he had been simply bored all alone at the Institute and had wandered off. A nice old lady living a few blocks away had picked him up and had tried to figure out where he belonged. She was about to call the police and child care when the two siblings showed up, hugging their brother as if it was the last thing they would ever do.

Alec had been prepared to forgive his parents his treatment or Izzy’s, he had been prepared to live a lie his whole life to fulfill their standards. But he was not prepared to forgive his parents this. He made sure that this was never going to happen again, forcing his parents to let their grandmother live with them to look after Max till he was old enough.

When the opportunity turned up to go to the Shadowhunter Academy together with Izzy, he gladly took it. He was prepared to change his life for the better.


	3. Freed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys finally meet

When Jace joined his class in the Academy, it became quite clear to him that most of the students were just like the other foster kids. Boring, average kids – one part having the right last name and therefore thinking they could rule over the others, the other part trying to belong to the former – which they never would – or trying to disappear. The only ones who stood out were the Lightwood siblings.

Being friends with Izzy was easy. They were so much alike, it was just natural that they got along well. They were both outgoing personalities who liked to party, to dance and to fight. Both let others only see what they wanted them to see – their strong side. Their insecurities were buried inside them.

Being friends with Alec was – different. Jace had only ever wanted to impress others so that he was left in peace, to avoid punishment. But never for the sake of it. With Alec it was different, he wanted his approval, he wanted Alec to like him. Why he wanted this, he could not really tell. But every time he saw that Alec’s beautiful brown eyes lay on him his heart skipped a beat. He loved it. He hated it. On the one side, he wanted to be close to the older boy, on the other hand he couldn’t handle it. He knew too well that any vulnerability he allowed himself was used against him – everything he loved was taken away from him. So they had a strange friendship, helplessly drawn together but also helplessly pushed away by their complicated thoughts and feelings.

Where none of this mattered was on a mission. They fought together like they never had done something else, they just clicked. Together with Izzy they were soon the best team at the Academy. So whenever possible, Jace tried to team up with the Lightwood siblings. He enjoyed being with Izzy in the middle of the fight as much as he enjoyed knowing that Alec had his back, hovering over them with his bow and protecting him from getting seriously injured. It was hard to admit, but the blond started to enjoy this feeling of being looked out for, cared for. He had gone on demon hunts since he turned six, but in the end he had always been alone. Even if his father or later other foster kids had accompanied him, they never really cared if he got wounded or not. For Alec’s sake Jace even tried to be less reckless, as he knew how much the tall boy hated him or Izzy being in unnecessary danger. He did not always succeed in being more cautious, but he tried.

Jace was used to nightmares, he experienced them regularly since he had been a toddler, they happened even more frequently after he had witnessed his father’s death. So he was not surprised to wake up from his own screams, covered in sweat, the image of his dying father still on his eyes. He was used to it. What he was not used to was the opening of the door. A tall figure appeared in the door frame, asking if he could come in. Jace must have forgotten to use the silencing and locking rune, too exhausted from training and an endless mission. Jace slowly nodded, too perplex to speak or do anything else. Of course it was Alec who made his way to his bed, sitting cautiously on it. They were just sitting next to each other for the next couple of minutes, breathing the air of each other. Jace felt his heartbeat slow down, the presence of the other boy enough to calm him. When Alec looked up at him, locking eyes with him, he felt his heart speed up again – but for totally different reasons this time. “Do you want me to stay?” he heard the older boy ask. Without giving an answer, Jace just lifted the blanket to let Alec slip under the cover with him. Jace felt Alec’s arms wrap around his waist as they both lay down. It was just then when the blond realized how exhausted he really was. With a sigh he closed his eyes and let himself drift to sleep, the protecting arms of his friend around him. When he woke up again it was not because of his screams, but because the bed felt strangely empty. He looked around, the spot next to him still warm, but empty. Alec was gone. Jace didn’t know what to think of it – and what to feel. Part of him was relieved; part of him was disappointed.

When the boys met at breakfast in the great hall, they both nodded at each other, otherwise pretending nothing had happened.

After that this became their habit. After curfew Alec slipped into Jace’s room, curling up next to him, wrapping his arms around him and protecting Jace’s sleep. Jace never bothered again with a silencing rune, when Alex slept next to him he never had a nightmare. But in the mornings, Alec was always gone.

Jace grew more and more attached to the Lightwoods. Izzy was the younger sister he had never dreamed about, as dreaming about the impossible was not Jace’s thing. But here she was anyway. And Alec was Alec, he was not able to put a lable on the kind of relationship they had. He knew that he would do anything for him, to protect him, to keep him safe. So when he realized that other kids made fun of Alec, he did what he always did in these situations: he fought back. It didn’t matter that the other kids were a group of three and were bigger than him. He landed every punch and every kick, teaching the older kids not to mess with him or the Lightwoods. He didn’t care if he would get in trouble for it, he just cared about protecting his friend.

The next time Jace saw Alec they were both in the training room, alone. Jace had never seen Alec that angry. “You don’t have to fight my fights! I am not weak, I can do this myself!” the taller boy screamed at him, pushing him back against the wall. Perplex, Jace just stood there and stared at him. It had never crossed his mind that Alec could be angry with him for helping him. But when he looked him in the eyes, he got it. He knew how his parents had treated Alec, how they always made him believe that he was not good enough, not brave enough, not strong enough. Without knowing them personally, Jace despised Maryse and Robert Lightwood for that. How could they hurt their perfect son like that?

So instead of returning the anger, as his first impulse had been, he just looked at Alec, trying to find the right words to say to him, to say that he was enough, that he always had been enough in every way. That he hadn’t protected him because he thought Alec was too weak or not capable to do it himself, but because he needed to protect him. For Jace’s sake more than for Alec’s. Words had never come easy to the younger boy, especially in crucial situations. Instead, he just leaned in and kissed Alec. The kiss was messy, heated. Their teeth clashed together, both too far gone to care. Jace thought he could taste blood when Alec bit down on his lower lip, but he didn’t mind. He tried to pull Alec even closer, his tongue demanding entrance in the other boy’s mouth. They kissed like they were drowning, and in fact, they were. When the need of oxygen finally got the upper and the boys were forced to break the kiss, Alec looked at Jace with huge, frightened eyes. Without saying a word Alec turned and ran. Away from him, again.

That night, Jace didn’t even try to find sleep. He knew Alec wouldn’t come, so he went to the roof top instead. The night was beautiful, cold and crystal clear. You could see the stars above the woods and the moon was the only light to be seen. Jace had heard the mundanes talking about shooting stars and the wishes they granted. He could really use a wish right now.

Before hearing the other one approach, Jace’s body felt the presence of the older boy and tensed. Slowly, Jace turned around. He crossed his arm defiantly over his chest, determined not to show any more vulnerability. He steeled himself to close off. But when Alec approached and the blond looked into the soft hazel eyes in front of him, he could not help but see the same vulnerability he felt. His heart opened up. Without thinking twice, Jace mad a step forward, closing the gap between them. Alec took his face in his hands, swallowing the small gasp Jace gave with his kiss. This time the kiss was sweet. Passionate, but sweet. Jace had kissed many girls, even women, but he had never been kissed like that. Alec kissed with his whole heart and soul. If it wasn't for Alec’s hands still holding his face, Jace didn’t know if he could still stand or if his feet had given away. When they broke apart, Alec gently brushed Jace’s lips with his thumb, whispering just one word. “Jace”. A statement. A declaration. A promise. Jace couldn’t do anything else than to kiss Alec again, offering the older boy his own heart and soul.

After that night, the two boys became inseparable. They didn’t advertise their relationship, but they did not hide it either. They were so much more to each other than a dirty secret. Izzy was thrilled that they had finally figured it out. Seeing her so happy for them, eased both their minds. Most of the other students didn’t mind or didn’t care – the ones who did mind were clever enough to keep their mouths shut.

It could have been a happy time for them - and in many ways it truly was - if not the dread of the upcoming holidays hang over them. Jace really didn’t want to go back to the isolation and pain of his foster home. He simply could not stand the thought of not seeing Alec, of not being able to be near him. And he was not sure if he would be able to face Aldertree again with his cruelty and mind games. So Jace got more anxious the closer the end of the school year got and as Alec was also tense – also he was not ready to face his parents again. They started to fight. Not huge fights, but little ones, something they had not done before. After one of these fights, neither of them had an idea what it was actually about, they laid together in bed, facing each other. “We need to talk. I was thinking…” Jace heard Alec say. But he didn’t hear what Alec was thinking, he was panicking. This is it, Jace thought. This is Alec, the love of my life, breaking up with me.

“….become Parabatai?” Jace looked startled. Alec looked at him with huge questioning eyes. If they became Parabatai, no one would ask them to be separated throughout the summer holidays – or ever for that matter. But becoming Parabatai was not a small thing. Binding your soul to another person was not a decision to handle lightly or to make in the heat of the moment. This was a decision for life. And that was exactly why Jace could never agree to this. He could never allow that Alec would bind his soul to his own, broken and scarred as it was. This was a burden he could not allow his lover to carry. He was way too precious for that. And what if Alec didn’t like the piece of his scarred soul? What if Alec finally saw what Jace really was – a nobody, not worthy of his own father’s love and certainly not worthy of Alec’s love and of being a Parabatai? No, Jace would not let that happen. So he just shook his head, telling Alec how sorry he was and bolting out of the room. But he was not quick enough to unsee the look of hurt spread over Alec’s face.

He went to the training room. With every punch he threw at the punching bag with bare hands, he realized more what he had done. The pain in his bleeding knuckles helped him see more clearly. After what felt hours, he knew he had screwed up and he knew that he needed to talk to Alec. He needed to explain why he had declined, that his was not about Alec but all about him. He also knew where to find him, at the exact same spot where Alec had found him so many weeks back. When he reached the rooftop, he saw the small figure crouched against a wall. Alec looked smaller than a boy of his height should ever be allowed to look like. Jace’s heart sank, he knew he was responsible for this. He knelt beside the older boy, taking Alec’s hands in his. He closed his eyes, again searching for the right words to say. When he looked up again and met Alec’s gaze, he stopped looking for the right thing to say. He just started talking about his reasons. And to his surprise Alec understood him. Because he had had the exact same doubts, otherwise he would have asked him a lot earlier. While talking to Alec, Jace finally understood that it was too late for doubts anyway. They were in this together for life, Parabatai bond or not. So he took all his courage and his lover's face in his hands, so that the other boy was forced to directly look at him and asked “Will you be my Parabatai, Alec Lightwood?”

They spent the night before the bonding ceremony together, as usual. But something was different, the air between them more tense, filled with anticipation. Jace was coming out of his bathroom, when he was suddenly shoved against the wall. Jace smiled, realizing that he didn’t mind at all being shoved when it was by Alec. Jace felt his hands forced above his head, Alec’s mouth covering his. Between two hot kisses, he heard the other boy say that he wanted him. All of him.

They had spent nearly every night together for the past months, but they had never crossed that line. Jace was not inexperienced, but he had never slept with a man before and he knew that it was Alec’s first as well, so he had never pushed it. But hearing the want in his lover's voice he was eager to comply. He wanted this, he wanted this so badly. He wanted to feel Alec insight of him. So he kissed Alec back with everything he had, freeing his hands and pushing Alec back so that they both fell on his bed.

Jace woke up at the break of dawn, still feeling a bit sore from the night before, but he had never felt more happy. The night had been beyond words, the feeling of Alec buried deep inside him had been nearly too much. Today would be the day he agreed to spend his whole life bond to his best friend, to his lover. This itself was a great deal, but knowing that Alec not only knew about his scarred soul but was willing to take a piece of it and give one in return – this was overwhelming. Jace looked down on his boyfriend, he looked so peaceful while sleeping. With a tenderness Jace never thought himself capable of, he pushed Alec’s hair from his eyes. The older boy stirred and slowly opened his eyes, smiling when he caught side of his lover. “Alec” whispered Jace. A statement. A declaration. A promise.

If anyone had ever asked him what the third part of his life was about Jace’s answer would have been love. And Alec. But love and Alec were the same thing anyway. At least to Jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story! I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think!  
> Thank you for leaving kudos or comments, it is really appreciated.


End file.
